i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
