the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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