im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
