somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
