**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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