remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
