my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
We need a shit load of segways right now
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
