i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
