You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
