The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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