I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
