i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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