There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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