Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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