my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
