Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Randomize
