Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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