I showed him my bush... on skype.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
