Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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