I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
