I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
