Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
