god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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