So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
