i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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