i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I just made out with a guy for $7.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
