the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
