i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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