The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
