The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
i now understand why vodka
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
