Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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