you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
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