Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i love accidental penises.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
