wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
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