I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
