She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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