Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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