i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
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