Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
