I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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