I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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