Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
