He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
