yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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