if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
