were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
