this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
The convent might be a nice break from real life
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
