don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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