Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
