I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
